Saturday, August 17, 2013

Time has come to take the bull by the horns. We've been so downhearted, we've been so forlorn - Todd Rundgren

Just One Victory...

    After an epic Target trip with my Mother, who was two months into chemo-therapy we sat there in the rain. The small silver Honda rumbling, her in the passenger seat with a knitted stocking cap to protect her small, balding head.

We had just stopped at the mailbox where a disability rejection letter was waiting. Tears ran down our faces in the driveway where we had stopped and didn't get out of her car. The classic rock station was barely playing in the back ground and like so many times in my life a song shows up at just the right moment.

 Just One Victory (Lyrics Here) by my Mom's favorite artist. (Todd Rundgren)

 There we were being washed by the rain singing out and crying ...

"Somehow, someday..
We need just one victory and we're on our way
Prayin' for it all day and fightin' for it all night
Give us just one victory, it will be alright
We may feel about to fall but we go down fighting"

My Mother passed two months later... "My Guitar Gently Weeps."


I wake up with intent to organize and clean my garage. It was on a list of "TO-DO's" that were to BE DONE, before my Lucy graced this world. Between bed rest and mourning it hadn't been touched. I had been embarrassed to let people see it and I was tired of living like that. I have knocked out a giant list of to-do's that were to be done before we had an infant in our house. Somehow before, I hadn't found any strength to do them.

As I began cleaning the garage today and knocking that out of the park, I realized, these tasks are the only thing in my life I have control over right now. From a seemingly outside look, you would think right now "Renee really has her shit together". But when you look closer you will see a woman who is really good at keeping herself in control, by working through tasks.

In fact, in the last 20 plus weeks my life has been quite the opposite of "in control". To add insult to injury, a week after Lucy passed, my husband's job decided they could no longer fund his contract. Leaving us with nothing coming in. Another Loss..

 Doing this To-Do list. Won't get my husband a job, or pay the mortgage, or bring my sweet Lucy back. But, it gives me some control over my life, that inside feels so out of control. This is my way.

Sweeping the floor in the garage...

A familiar song shows up on my Pandora station...randomly. It's that song that came at that right moment in the car that day. I set my broom down. I looked at my husband who was cleaning behind me, and I just started singing.


The tears came as I remembered that day in the car with my Mom. I remembered that sense of faith that it will all be OK. That this is my VICTORY. And although I have been so downhearted, forlorn, over, time and again.

I still have that feeling. That strength that I feel after each hurdle.

..."If you don't know what to do about a world of trouble
You can pull it through if you need to
And if you believe it's true, it will surely happen
Shining still to give us the will" - Todd Rundgren

Just ONE Victory?

Monday, August 12, 2013

Not a day goes by, that I don't think of you -Daughtry

Not much myself and "Daughtry" have in common. I don't prefer his music. In fact, I would turn it and cringe at the sound of his songs. However the lyrics to "Gone Too Soon" resonate distinctly to how I feel each day.

How do I feel each day?

No moment is ever "normal" anymore. Each second changes my feeling, my mood. With every passing memory or interaction that I am thrown in.. It changes. Some days, I just find that I feel completely liberated and free from the chains of grief, only to be reminded at the picnic table, that I wasn't to be there camping...

I am still suppose to be pregnant.

I dove my head as deep as I could into my husband's neck and shoulder to hide the fact that I was crying at a table full of family. Trying to be a "ninja griever"; stealth and quiet. All the chatter seemed to go on around me, and I thought I had pulled it off. Until, I heard the quiet tone of my 91 year old grandfather; "What's wrong Ne?"

...I just looked at his tear filled eyes with mine. and he knew. He knew, I was hurting something strong inside. So I said;"I'm sorry, Grandpa." Because honestly I didn't know what else to say. I went from laughing and enjoying a meal with my family, to sobbing like I just lost my child.

I did. 4 weeks ago, and My 91 year old Grandpa said to me "You have every right to cry and be sad Ne, don't ever apologize for that." and he touched my hand.

Now, in his 91 years, my Grandfather has lived a tragically blessed life. Where one thing cut him off at his knees, he's some how risen to each occasion. He's seen a lot of hard times, lost parents, children, and been a victim. He came from a time when emotions were not shared by men, and being stoic was the only way. But in that moment...

That small exchange of love, may have been one of the hardest expressions in this mans whole life. My Grandfather comforted me when not one other person knew what to say. A touch and a few kind words showed me that he cared. Almost instantly, healed my heart in that moment. Blessed.

That next day, you might have seen me in a different light. I was anxious about getting out of the rain, and getting home. Back to my normal place of comfort. I was all business, basketball shorts, and busting ass. You may have looked at me and from the outside you would never have known me 4 weeks prior...

The woman who was desperately trying to save her pregnancy. Laying completely flat in a hospital bed, through back pain, catheters, and running on pure faith. I looked different then. But you would of never known me then, if you saw me now.

Three days since that moment with my grandfather and since I shed those tears. I hadn't realized, I was three days cry free. I began to worry; I'm losing her, again. Am I forgetting to grieve her?

No..." Not a day goes by, I don't think of you."

I'm healing. Not dying.

Right then, I realized, I need something immediately healing in my life. Outside playing with my kids and cathartically doing yard work to keep my mind free; I needed flowers and color. I needed it all around me, and I needed it NOW.

These things are MY therapies. The mermaid necklace that adorns my neck; is MY grounding place when I miss her. MY pictures of her, are MY temple when I need her. MY flowers are MY fresh air when I'm healing MY heart with her.

See it doesn't matter how YOU do it. (this bastard thing we call "grieving") As long as you give yourself "every right" to.

Tomorrow, I will probably wear Yoga pants, and hug on my son a bit before his first day of Kindergarten. I will sip a cup of coffee with the windows open. Looking at my flowers, I might realize "You're not sad." I will smile. Because, that's ok.

"Not a day goes by, That I don't think of you."   Lucy.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

You Picked A Fine Time To Leave Me Lucielle- Kenny Rogers

You Picked...

 Lucielle ... Picked.

I am truly a believer that Lucy's little soul had a lot of control over her life in this world, in womb or on earth. She was born at a time that would create the biggest impact in this world.

I have felt her impact from the minute I met her, and what an honor it has been to be her Mother. I am lucky, I was given this gift of being "Lucy's Mother", The Littlest Mermaid.

Part of her impact, was making her first debut in the Kansas City Star. A beautiful writer, and friend Jenee' gave "Lucy's Story" more impact for the world and it's been a humbling experience that I would love to share.

Social media become therapy for mom’s grief

Updated: 2013-07-30T17:51:12Z


The Kansas City Star
In March, she announced her pregnancy on Twitter:
Told the kids that they are going to be big brother and sister.

Just one month along, her baby was due in November, she went on to tell us. For Renee Lawrence’s almost 1,700 followers ( @Ms_Nene), it is not shocking for her to be so forthright. It’s what makes everyone feel so connected to her. She’s that fun kind of social media personality. Her heart speaks loudly; her life is open for the reading.

But nothing prepared her, or her followers, for July 15.

Link To Full Story :