Wednesday, March 19, 2014

No Promises, No Promises..- Incubus

"I'm on the road of least resistance
I'd rather give up than give into this
So promise me only one thing, would you?
Just don't ever make me promises..
No promises, no promises" -Incubus



No Promises! Not anymore. I can't make them or take them, because they've all seem like false realities. I can't make promises unless I know I can absolutely predict every moment in life that would come between me and that promise. So, really a promise isn't forever, they are not reality, and they are broken, Often. 

Someone once made a promise to me that was maybe the BIGGEST promise in my lifetime. I have been on the receiving end of many broken promises and thought myself to be wise at this point. But, through sheer desperation and grasping to hope; I took one more promise. 

This promise is something that I will never forget, but albeit I have forgiven. It's taken me awhile, but I know that this one promise I can't keep... tucked in my heart because it will make me angry. 

See, two days before I was to deliver a beautiful premature baby girl, I was made a promise. One promise by a very gentle, kind, and loving doctor. He was the neo-natalogist watching over me in the hospital and he came to me at my most vulnerable time. He was there to give me hope, yet help me understand that my littlest Lucy was in grave danger in the time frame and challenge that she was currently facing. But in this brief moment, this man brought me hope and was of impeccable bedside manner. I begged of him to be there when Lucy comes. He said that he would let me make a choice on my daughters life, whether they would be able to save her and whether I would want them to try. 

He said to me "Dear, I promise you I will be here when and if that happens. I promise, I will let you make that decision." 

-3:45 am two days later

There we were in the predicament that we had discussed. There was no Dr. Promises (as I will call him) to be seen and he wouldn't be able to make it. It was all replaced with these "other" people at my daughter birth that didn't know "our" promise! They didn't understand and they would not listen to my pleas. 

"Dr. Promises... PROMISED ME!" and all they could say to me is... I'm sorry. 

-Sometime that afternoon, many hours after Lucy's arrival and death. 

Dr. Promises walks through the door. He looks at me with such sadness in his eyes. We connect not only as Dr. to Patient but in that moment, as human beings. I'm so angry and tears burst from my eyes like I am a cartoon character; flying out the side of my face. 

He offered me a hand, and I begin to yell at him. "You promised me you would be here... you promised me." I shook his hand and would not let go. He sat next to me allowing me to be angry with him. He sat with me and said nothing, enduring all my pains and verbal attacks at him. He allowed me to be mad at him and in that moment made me feel that my anger with him was valid. He was mourning too, but in his "doctorly" way. For I am sure that he has seen this before. 

Before he left, he met our Lucy. He maybe said 2 sentences, he held me, he held my Lucy, and he walked out of that room. I have never spoken to or seen him again. But one thing will always stick with me... His promise. 





Friday, September 27, 2013

Jenny Jenny, who can I turn to? -TT

Jenny..Jenny..?

My Mother's name is Jennifer. She is the soul who is responsible for Lucy's care in the after life. This makes me especially jealous, because "Heaven" is holding my two special ladies and it doesn't seem quite fair.

Disclaimer:

For those who know me and some who don't you; you must understand that I am pretty raw with my opinions and open to how I feel to share it with the world. So, what I could say might strike someone in a fashion as insensitive or uncaring. MY intentions are the exact opposite.

Moving Forward..

I haven't had much to write about lately because honestly, I am not sure that I had anything constructive to say. I am still missing my Lucy like crazy, but it wasn't until today where I realized something about my personal grief. I am holding it in and keeping it selfishly. Like that last gummy bear in the bottom of the bag, you might see me sneak to the kitchen to eat.

I don't know what to do with my grief! I belong to a few online support systems and I have a few people to talk about Lucy with. I feel sad for their stories, but I can't connect to them. It's not that I don't care about their lost baby, but selfishly...It's not my story. I can't connect. My grief is at a place where my story of loss is the ONLY story of loss I want to share and hear. Not that yours shouldn't be heard, but MY grief is not in a place to take on your burden. Maybe this seems unkind or lacking compassion. But, its my grief, and I am riding the wave on how it feels. I have spent my grieving time with mainly my family and a few friends. I am pretty resilient and I have always had to be.

However, the pain of losing my daughter rushes through me. It surrounds me like when I sit on the bottom of the pool and look at the gallons of water enveloping me. It's serene, yet my lungs burn. I burn to grasp at any glimpse of her in my mind. This tiny baby who forever has captured my life. This one moment, for one hour, I could hold her life filled body. For the 24 hours I could have her near me in the physical. It's mine, and I don't want to give that away.

I haven't quite figured out exactly how to move on from this place in my pain. I have truly let the grief move organically, thinking... "ok, this is how it is." I see her name everywhere, I feel like she is trying to talk to me, but maybe I am too blocked with grief to listen. I just wanted to see her smile.
Just once, would have held me over 100 years. Just one hug would have sufficed me for eternity.


Or would it?

 Each day as I dream of that one moment with my daughter, that I have had with my other children, and I get stuck. How can I move on from this. Sharing my story seems so big. They want me to post it here, and there, this website, infant loss awareness day... AHHHH! FUCKING STOP!

I don't want this to be a part of who I am, I didn't sign up for this, and I DON'T need my own month to celebrate the loss of my DAUGHTER.

Breathe...

I signed up to have her name on a paper heart full of seeds that will float down beautifully from a hot air balloon to support to losses similar to mine. Infants, Preterm, Stillborn, Miscarries; These stories are all different and although I may not want to hear your story today, maybe my heart will stop hurting long enough to get outside myself to really hear you. I know you are hurting and I respect that. I just can't handle more pain. Please, please, don't take my lack of interest as a lack of empathy or compassion. I know your pain, I just don't want to feel it.

What's the next step in this grief cycle I am in? Support Group.

I am going to go next week. I am going to drag myself there even though the wall around my heart for you and your stories like mine is high. I am going to face this challenge and I am going to listen. I am going to hold my husbands hand, cry, and listen to all your stories.

Forgive Me.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Time against us, miles between us - Adele

I'll be waiting...

I've been waiting!

Almost 9 weeks, I have been going to bed every night asking God and the Universe to let me see your face in my dreams. I have been asking the angels to let you visit me in my sleep, hoping that I can catch a glimpse of you with your Grandma. I have been waiting.

I looked at your picture a couple nights ago. I sat there on the couch with your Daddy. We looked at you, and we reached out to the screen that had your image. We touched your toes and of course your nose.

THAT nose!

We looked at that beautiful image of you from head to toe, sucking your thumb, laying on my chest. What a moment!

I don't remember one second of feeling fear in that moment, I was calm with you there on my chest. Right there with me. It was like the future didn't matter; I had you at that moment. My sweet baby Lucy. There you were, with me.

Now, just an image.

 A Reality, I had to let go. Although I would of kept you there forever if they let me.

So where does this leave me? Begging to see your face again.

Sometimes, when I take a shower... your labor flashes in my mind. I try to stop it, but it floods over me. Sometimes... the moment they took you from my arms washes over me, and I am reminded of the how bad that hurt. A feeling I have felt before, although this time; the pain was more than I could bear.

I try to remind myself that you were not suppose to be about pain. Your purpose in my life was NOT suppose to be about PAIN! As, each day gets a little less painful, I give thanks everyday for having you in my life. I love being your Mom. Such an honor.

I spend each day deciding how I can memorialize you and in what ways can I make this life better, to keep your legacy of love going. You make me want to be better; with 22 weeks of life inside me, and one hour to let me love you. You, of all the people in my life, make me want to be better.

I've learned through you that things aren't so BIG anymore. Things don't hurt me like they used to, I live each day like I want and not what is wanted or expected of me, and I smile because I have Lucy's love.

Time was against us Lucy, and there are miles between us. But you have my heart... I will be waiting, waiting to see you again. (In my dreams...until we meet again).

 
 
Hold me closer one more time
Say that you love me in your last goodbye-Adele

Read more: Adele - I'll Be Waiting Lyrics | MetroLyrics




Saturday, August 17, 2013

Time has come to take the bull by the horns. We've been so downhearted, we've been so forlorn - Todd Rundgren

Just One Victory...

    After an epic Target trip with my Mother, who was two months into chemo-therapy we sat there in the rain. The small silver Honda rumbling, her in the passenger seat with a knitted stocking cap to protect her small, balding head.

We had just stopped at the mailbox where a disability rejection letter was waiting. Tears ran down our faces in the driveway where we had stopped and didn't get out of her car. The classic rock station was barely playing in the back ground and like so many times in my life a song shows up at just the right moment.

 Just One Victory (Lyrics Here) by my Mom's favorite artist. (Todd Rundgren)

 There we were being washed by the rain singing out and crying ...

"Somehow, someday..
We need just one victory and we're on our way
Prayin' for it all day and fightin' for it all night
Give us just one victory, it will be alright
We may feel about to fall but we go down fighting"

My Mother passed two months later... "My Guitar Gently Weeps."


Today...

I wake up with intent to organize and clean my garage. It was on a list of "TO-DO's" that were to BE DONE, before my Lucy graced this world. Between bed rest and mourning it hadn't been touched. I had been embarrassed to let people see it and I was tired of living like that. I have knocked out a giant list of to-do's that were to be done before we had an infant in our house. Somehow before, I hadn't found any strength to do them.

As I began cleaning the garage today and knocking that out of the park, I realized, these tasks are the only thing in my life I have control over right now. From a seemingly outside look, you would think right now "Renee really has her shit together". But when you look closer you will see a woman who is really good at keeping herself in control, by working through tasks.

In fact, in the last 20 plus weeks my life has been quite the opposite of "in control". To add insult to injury, a week after Lucy passed, my husband's job decided they could no longer fund his contract. Leaving us with nothing coming in. Another Loss..

 Doing this To-Do list. Won't get my husband a job, or pay the mortgage, or bring my sweet Lucy back. But, it gives me some control over my life, that inside feels so out of control. This is my way.

Sweeping the floor in the garage...

A familiar song shows up on my Pandora station...randomly. It's that song that came at that right moment in the car that day. I set my broom down. I looked at my husband who was cleaning behind me, and I just started singing.

"SOMEHOW...SOMEDAY...WE NEED JUST ONE VICTORY AND WE'RE ON OUR WAY! PRAYIN' FOR IT ALL DAY! FIGHTIN' FOR IT ALL NIGHT! ..."  (Insert fist pumping)

The tears came as I remembered that day in the car with my Mom. I remembered that sense of faith that it will all be OK. That this is my VICTORY. And although I have been so downhearted, forlorn, over, time and again.

I still have that feeling. That strength that I feel after each hurdle.

..."If you don't know what to do about a world of trouble
You can pull it through if you need to
And if you believe it's true, it will surely happen
Shining still to give us the will" - Todd Rundgren


Just ONE Victory?










Monday, August 12, 2013

Not a day goes by, that I don't think of you -Daughtry

Not much myself and "Daughtry" have in common. I don't prefer his music. In fact, I would turn it and cringe at the sound of his songs. However the lyrics to "Gone Too Soon" resonate distinctly to how I feel each day.

How do I feel each day?

No moment is ever "normal" anymore. Each second changes my feeling, my mood. With every passing memory or interaction that I am thrown in.. It changes. Some days, I just find that I feel completely liberated and free from the chains of grief, only to be reminded at the picnic table, that I wasn't to be there camping...

I am still suppose to be pregnant.

I dove my head as deep as I could into my husband's neck and shoulder to hide the fact that I was crying at a table full of family. Trying to be a "ninja griever"; stealth and quiet. All the chatter seemed to go on around me, and I thought I had pulled it off. Until, I heard the quiet tone of my 91 year old grandfather; "What's wrong Ne?"

...I just looked at his tear filled eyes with mine. and he knew. He knew, I was hurting something strong inside. So I said;"I'm sorry, Grandpa." Because honestly I didn't know what else to say. I went from laughing and enjoying a meal with my family, to sobbing like I just lost my child.

I did. 4 weeks ago, and My 91 year old Grandpa said to me "You have every right to cry and be sad Ne, don't ever apologize for that." and he touched my hand.

Now, in his 91 years, my Grandfather has lived a tragically blessed life. Where one thing cut him off at his knees, he's some how risen to each occasion. He's seen a lot of hard times, lost parents, children, and been a victim. He came from a time when emotions were not shared by men, and being stoic was the only way. But in that moment...

That small exchange of love, may have been one of the hardest expressions in this mans whole life. My Grandfather comforted me when not one other person knew what to say. A touch and a few kind words showed me that he cared. Almost instantly, healed my heart in that moment. Blessed.

That next day, you might have seen me in a different light. I was anxious about getting out of the rain, and getting home. Back to my normal place of comfort. I was all business, basketball shorts, and busting ass. You may have looked at me and from the outside you would never have known me 4 weeks prior...

The woman who was desperately trying to save her pregnancy. Laying completely flat in a hospital bed, through back pain, catheters, and running on pure faith. I looked different then. But you would of never known me then, if you saw me now.

Three days since that moment with my grandfather and since I shed those tears. I hadn't realized, I was three days cry free. I began to worry; I'm losing her, again. Am I forgetting to grieve her?

No..." Not a day goes by, I don't think of you."

I'm healing. Not dying.

Right then, I realized, I need something immediately healing in my life. Outside playing with my kids and cathartically doing yard work to keep my mind free; I needed flowers and color. I needed it all around me, and I needed it NOW.

These things are MY therapies. The mermaid necklace that adorns my neck; is MY grounding place when I miss her. MY pictures of her, are MY temple when I need her. MY flowers are MY fresh air when I'm healing MY heart with her.

See it doesn't matter how YOU do it. (this bastard thing we call "grieving") As long as you give yourself "every right" to.

Tomorrow, I will probably wear Yoga pants, and hug on my son a bit before his first day of Kindergarten. I will sip a cup of coffee with the windows open. Looking at my flowers, I might realize "You're not sad." I will smile. Because, that's ok.

"Not a day goes by, That I don't think of you."   Lucy.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

You Picked A Fine Time To Leave Me Lucielle- Kenny Rogers

You Picked...

 Lucielle ... Picked.

I am truly a believer that Lucy's little soul had a lot of control over her life in this world, in womb or on earth. She was born at a time that would create the biggest impact in this world.

I have felt her impact from the minute I met her, and what an honor it has been to be her Mother. I am lucky, I was given this gift of being "Lucy's Mother", The Littlest Mermaid.

Part of her impact, was making her first debut in the Kansas City Star. A beautiful writer, and friend Jenee' gave "Lucy's Story" more impact for the world and it's been a humbling experience that I would love to share.


Social media become therapy for mom’s grief

Updated: 2013-07-30T17:51:12Z

By JENEÉ OSTERHELDT

The Kansas City Star
In March, she announced her pregnancy on Twitter:
                 
Told the kids that they are going to be big brother and sister.

Just one month along, her baby was due in November, she went on to tell us. For Renee Lawrence’s almost 1,700 followers ( @Ms_Nene), it is not shocking for her to be so forthright. It’s what makes everyone feel so connected to her. She’s that fun kind of social media personality. Her heart speaks loudly; her life is open for the reading.

But nothing prepared her, or her followers, for July 15.


Link To Full Story : http://www.kansascity.com/2013/07/29/4375567/social-media-becomes-therapy-for.html


 

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

It's Important to me. To know you are free -Todd Rundgren

Hello, it's Me.


It's Renee Lawrence. For the past two weeks, since my life has changed so drastically, it has me wondering...

Can the "real" Renee Lawrence please stand up? Who is this person? This soul, that I have been carrying around in this body.

Who am I?

 
 
I am Gwynivere's MOM! I am the person that laughs at her antics, that runs her to tae kwon do, that gives her advice, and writes her teachers a letters each year about how special she is. I make sure her toaster pastry gets 15 seconds in the microwave and know she hates donuts with the filling.  I am highly protective of her fragile ego, I worry about her almost EVERY second of the day, and I encourage her to be who she is. I have been her mom for nearly 9 years, and she is blossoming into the most beautiful soul. I am celebrating how grateful I am to have her in my life! She protects my feelings, and we are innately connected on every level. She is her mother, and I am my daughter. WE  are soul mates. I AM Gwynivere's Mom.
 
Who am I?
 

I am Keegan's MOM! I am the person that gives him his morning snuggles and know if I miss them, his day isn't right. I am the person who listens to him talk for half and hour straight about whatever it is he is extremely focused on. I took a job teaching to make sure he got pre-kindergarten, and I make excuses for all his misbehaviors. This kids could do no wrong, and is a sensitive soul. He came into this world the sweetest boy, he even spared me much pain in labor. I've learned about super heroes for him, and I know more about Ben 10, than I should. He's currently resting his head on my arm and insisting on a kiss. He says the most amazing things, and wakes me out of bed each morning. I AM Keegan's MOM!

Who Am I?

 
 
I am Jeremy's WIFE. Now married for almost a year. We eloped with 10 of our favorite people by our side. We both have a our past lives, which we have joyously released to come together and create something people dream about. He is truly my happy place, I will always take his side but am able to tell him secretly when he is wrong. However, I am highly protective of those who ever try to take advantage of his kindness. I know that he doesn't put ice in his drinks, and I know how to make his coffee just right. He eats every meal I make, exclaiming they are always the best. I talk him through every obstacle we meet, including the sadness he feels for the children he misses each day. Together we have grew into people that we are proud of, even though coming from a place where we made many mistakes. We have same side dined, I've gotten him to ride a roller coaster, I watch him skateboard with joy in my heart, and let him know each day how proud I am to be his. I've never felt that before. I AM Jeremy's WIFE!
 
 
WHO AM I?
 
 
 
 
 
I am (Tearfully) Lucy's Mom. I am proud to be. To all the greatest things I've done above, she is the newest identity of what makes up me. Bringing her in this world was so important to me. Not only for me! For Gwynivere, Keegan, and for JEREMY! She not only was a fighter spirit in the womb, she is the one soul that has impacted my life the most. I am her Mom because I could love her instantly. I am her Mom because I knew she loved my kisses where her nose meets her forehead. I am her Mom because, somehow her tiny soul knew that I could give her an entire life of happiness, and take care of her every need in a little over one hour. I am her Mom because, I can keep her alive in spirit, even when I couldn't keep her alive in physical. I am Lucy's Mom. I AM LUCY'S MOM.
 
 
When I am having trouble peeling myself out of the bed every day to face the world without Lucy, these are just some reminders of why I NEED to get out of bed each day. Each day they need me to be the person I am for them. But the secret is, each day, I NEED to be the person THEY NEED me to be.
 
I am Renee Lawrence, Mother, Wife, Author, Teacher, Baker, Wise Gal, Friend, Sister, Aunt, Daughter, Counselor, Ex-Wife, Lover, Student,......The list goes on.  And as I keep inventing myself, You can bet, I will forever be grateful to be Renee Lawrence.
 
 
 
Hello, it's me
I've thought about us for a long, long time
Maybe I think too much but something's wrong
There's something here that doesn't last too long
Maybe I shouldn't think of you as mine.