Friday, September 27, 2013

Jenny Jenny, who can I turn to? -TT


My Mother's name is Jennifer. She is the soul who is responsible for Lucy's care in the after life. This makes me especially jealous, because "Heaven" is holding my two special ladies and it doesn't seem quite fair.


For those who know me and some who don't you; you must understand that I am pretty raw with my opinions and open to how I feel to share it with the world. So, what I could say might strike someone in a fashion as insensitive or uncaring. MY intentions are the exact opposite.

Moving Forward..

I haven't had much to write about lately because honestly, I am not sure that I had anything constructive to say. I am still missing my Lucy like crazy, but it wasn't until today where I realized something about my personal grief. I am holding it in and keeping it selfishly. Like that last gummy bear in the bottom of the bag, you might see me sneak to the kitchen to eat.

I don't know what to do with my grief! I belong to a few online support systems and I have a few people to talk about Lucy with. I feel sad for their stories, but I can't connect to them. It's not that I don't care about their lost baby, but selfishly...It's not my story. I can't connect. My grief is at a place where my story of loss is the ONLY story of loss I want to share and hear. Not that yours shouldn't be heard, but MY grief is not in a place to take on your burden. Maybe this seems unkind or lacking compassion. But, its my grief, and I am riding the wave on how it feels. I have spent my grieving time with mainly my family and a few friends. I am pretty resilient and I have always had to be.

However, the pain of losing my daughter rushes through me. It surrounds me like when I sit on the bottom of the pool and look at the gallons of water enveloping me. It's serene, yet my lungs burn. I burn to grasp at any glimpse of her in my mind. This tiny baby who forever has captured my life. This one moment, for one hour, I could hold her life filled body. For the 24 hours I could have her near me in the physical. It's mine, and I don't want to give that away.

I haven't quite figured out exactly how to move on from this place in my pain. I have truly let the grief move organically, thinking... "ok, this is how it is." I see her name everywhere, I feel like she is trying to talk to me, but maybe I am too blocked with grief to listen. I just wanted to see her smile.
Just once, would have held me over 100 years. Just one hug would have sufficed me for eternity.

Or would it?

 Each day as I dream of that one moment with my daughter, that I have had with my other children, and I get stuck. How can I move on from this. Sharing my story seems so big. They want me to post it here, and there, this website, infant loss awareness day... AHHHH! FUCKING STOP!

I don't want this to be a part of who I am, I didn't sign up for this, and I DON'T need my own month to celebrate the loss of my DAUGHTER.


I signed up to have her name on a paper heart full of seeds that will float down beautifully from a hot air balloon to support to losses similar to mine. Infants, Preterm, Stillborn, Miscarries; These stories are all different and although I may not want to hear your story today, maybe my heart will stop hurting long enough to get outside myself to really hear you. I know you are hurting and I respect that. I just can't handle more pain. Please, please, don't take my lack of interest as a lack of empathy or compassion. I know your pain, I just don't want to feel it.

What's the next step in this grief cycle I am in? Support Group.

I am going to go next week. I am going to drag myself there even though the wall around my heart for you and your stories like mine is high. I am going to face this challenge and I am going to listen. I am going to hold my husbands hand, cry, and listen to all your stories.

Forgive Me.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Time against us, miles between us - Adele

I'll be waiting...

I've been waiting!

Almost 9 weeks, I have been going to bed every night asking God and the Universe to let me see your face in my dreams. I have been asking the angels to let you visit me in my sleep, hoping that I can catch a glimpse of you with your Grandma. I have been waiting.

I looked at your picture a couple nights ago. I sat there on the couch with your Daddy. We looked at you, and we reached out to the screen that had your image. We touched your toes and of course your nose.

THAT nose!

We looked at that beautiful image of you from head to toe, sucking your thumb, laying on my chest. What a moment!

I don't remember one second of feeling fear in that moment, I was calm with you there on my chest. Right there with me. It was like the future didn't matter; I had you at that moment. My sweet baby Lucy. There you were, with me.

Now, just an image.

 A Reality, I had to let go. Although I would of kept you there forever if they let me.

So where does this leave me? Begging to see your face again.

Sometimes, when I take a shower... your labor flashes in my mind. I try to stop it, but it floods over me. Sometimes... the moment they took you from my arms washes over me, and I am reminded of the how bad that hurt. A feeling I have felt before, although this time; the pain was more than I could bear.

I try to remind myself that you were not suppose to be about pain. Your purpose in my life was NOT suppose to be about PAIN! As, each day gets a little less painful, I give thanks everyday for having you in my life. I love being your Mom. Such an honor.

I spend each day deciding how I can memorialize you and in what ways can I make this life better, to keep your legacy of love going. You make me want to be better; with 22 weeks of life inside me, and one hour to let me love you. You, of all the people in my life, make me want to be better.

I've learned through you that things aren't so BIG anymore. Things don't hurt me like they used to, I live each day like I want and not what is wanted or expected of me, and I smile because I have Lucy's love.

Time was against us Lucy, and there are miles between us. But you have my heart... I will be waiting, waiting to see you again. (In my dreams...until we meet again).

Hold me closer one more time
Say that you love me in your last goodbye-Adele

Read more: Adele - I'll Be Waiting Lyrics | MetroLyrics