Monday, August 12, 2013

Not a day goes by, that I don't think of you -Daughtry

Not much myself and "Daughtry" have in common. I don't prefer his music. In fact, I would turn it and cringe at the sound of his songs. However the lyrics to "Gone Too Soon" resonate distinctly to how I feel each day.

How do I feel each day?

No moment is ever "normal" anymore. Each second changes my feeling, my mood. With every passing memory or interaction that I am thrown in.. It changes. Some days, I just find that I feel completely liberated and free from the chains of grief, only to be reminded at the picnic table, that I wasn't to be there camping...

I am still suppose to be pregnant.

I dove my head as deep as I could into my husband's neck and shoulder to hide the fact that I was crying at a table full of family. Trying to be a "ninja griever"; stealth and quiet. All the chatter seemed to go on around me, and I thought I had pulled it off. Until, I heard the quiet tone of my 91 year old grandfather; "What's wrong Ne?"

...I just looked at his tear filled eyes with mine. and he knew. He knew, I was hurting something strong inside. So I said;"I'm sorry, Grandpa." Because honestly I didn't know what else to say. I went from laughing and enjoying a meal with my family, to sobbing like I just lost my child.

I did. 4 weeks ago, and My 91 year old Grandpa said to me "You have every right to cry and be sad Ne, don't ever apologize for that." and he touched my hand.

Now, in his 91 years, my Grandfather has lived a tragically blessed life. Where one thing cut him off at his knees, he's some how risen to each occasion. He's seen a lot of hard times, lost parents, children, and been a victim. He came from a time when emotions were not shared by men, and being stoic was the only way. But in that moment...

That small exchange of love, may have been one of the hardest expressions in this mans whole life. My Grandfather comforted me when not one other person knew what to say. A touch and a few kind words showed me that he cared. Almost instantly, healed my heart in that moment. Blessed.

That next day, you might have seen me in a different light. I was anxious about getting out of the rain, and getting home. Back to my normal place of comfort. I was all business, basketball shorts, and busting ass. You may have looked at me and from the outside you would never have known me 4 weeks prior...

The woman who was desperately trying to save her pregnancy. Laying completely flat in a hospital bed, through back pain, catheters, and running on pure faith. I looked different then. But you would of never known me then, if you saw me now.

Three days since that moment with my grandfather and since I shed those tears. I hadn't realized, I was three days cry free. I began to worry; I'm losing her, again. Am I forgetting to grieve her?

No..." Not a day goes by, I don't think of you."

I'm healing. Not dying.

Right then, I realized, I need something immediately healing in my life. Outside playing with my kids and cathartically doing yard work to keep my mind free; I needed flowers and color. I needed it all around me, and I needed it NOW.

These things are MY therapies. The mermaid necklace that adorns my neck; is MY grounding place when I miss her. MY pictures of her, are MY temple when I need her. MY flowers are MY fresh air when I'm healing MY heart with her.

See it doesn't matter how YOU do it. (this bastard thing we call "grieving") As long as you give yourself "every right" to.

Tomorrow, I will probably wear Yoga pants, and hug on my son a bit before his first day of Kindergarten. I will sip a cup of coffee with the windows open. Looking at my flowers, I might realize "You're not sad." I will smile. Because, that's ok.

"Not a day goes by, That I don't think of you."   Lucy.

No comments:

Post a Comment