Saturday, August 17, 2013

Time has come to take the bull by the horns. We've been so downhearted, we've been so forlorn - Todd Rundgren

Just One Victory...

    After an epic Target trip with my Mother, who was two months into chemo-therapy we sat there in the rain. The small silver Honda rumbling, her in the passenger seat with a knitted stocking cap to protect her small, balding head.

We had just stopped at the mailbox where a disability rejection letter was waiting. Tears ran down our faces in the driveway where we had stopped and didn't get out of her car. The classic rock station was barely playing in the back ground and like so many times in my life a song shows up at just the right moment.

 Just One Victory (Lyrics Here) by my Mom's favorite artist. (Todd Rundgren)

 There we were being washed by the rain singing out and crying ...

"Somehow, someday..
We need just one victory and we're on our way
Prayin' for it all day and fightin' for it all night
Give us just one victory, it will be alright
We may feel about to fall but we go down fighting"

My Mother passed two months later... "My Guitar Gently Weeps."


I wake up with intent to organize and clean my garage. It was on a list of "TO-DO's" that were to BE DONE, before my Lucy graced this world. Between bed rest and mourning it hadn't been touched. I had been embarrassed to let people see it and I was tired of living like that. I have knocked out a giant list of to-do's that were to be done before we had an infant in our house. Somehow before, I hadn't found any strength to do them.

As I began cleaning the garage today and knocking that out of the park, I realized, these tasks are the only thing in my life I have control over right now. From a seemingly outside look, you would think right now "Renee really has her shit together". But when you look closer you will see a woman who is really good at keeping herself in control, by working through tasks.

In fact, in the last 20 plus weeks my life has been quite the opposite of "in control". To add insult to injury, a week after Lucy passed, my husband's job decided they could no longer fund his contract. Leaving us with nothing coming in. Another Loss..

 Doing this To-Do list. Won't get my husband a job, or pay the mortgage, or bring my sweet Lucy back. But, it gives me some control over my life, that inside feels so out of control. This is my way.

Sweeping the floor in the garage...

A familiar song shows up on my Pandora station...randomly. It's that song that came at that right moment in the car that day. I set my broom down. I looked at my husband who was cleaning behind me, and I just started singing.


The tears came as I remembered that day in the car with my Mom. I remembered that sense of faith that it will all be OK. That this is my VICTORY. And although I have been so downhearted, forlorn, over, time and again.

I still have that feeling. That strength that I feel after each hurdle.

..."If you don't know what to do about a world of trouble
You can pull it through if you need to
And if you believe it's true, it will surely happen
Shining still to give us the will" - Todd Rundgren

Just ONE Victory?

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