Wednesday, March 19, 2014

No Promises, No Promises..- Incubus

"I'm on the road of least resistance
I'd rather give up than give into this
So promise me only one thing, would you?
Just don't ever make me promises..
No promises, no promises" -Incubus

No Promises! Not anymore. I can't make them or take them, because they've all seem like false realities. I can't make promises unless I know I can absolutely predict every moment in life that would come between me and that promise. So, really a promise isn't forever, they are not reality, and they are broken, Often. 

Someone once made a promise to me that was maybe the BIGGEST promise in my lifetime. I have been on the receiving end of many broken promises and thought myself to be wise at this point. But, through sheer desperation and grasping to hope; I took one more promise. 

This promise is something that I will never forget, but albeit I have forgiven. It's taken me awhile, but I know that this one promise I can't keep... tucked in my heart because it will make me angry. 

See, two days before I was to deliver a beautiful premature baby girl, I was made a promise. One promise by a very gentle, kind, and loving doctor. He was the neo-natalogist watching over me in the hospital and he came to me at my most vulnerable time. He was there to give me hope, yet help me understand that my littlest Lucy was in grave danger in the time frame and challenge that she was currently facing. But in this brief moment, this man brought me hope and was of impeccable bedside manner. I begged of him to be there when Lucy comes. He said that he would let me make a choice on my daughters life, whether they would be able to save her and whether I would want them to try. 

He said to me "Dear, I promise you I will be here when and if that happens. I promise, I will let you make that decision." 

-3:45 am two days later

There we were in the predicament that we had discussed. There was no Dr. Promises (as I will call him) to be seen and he wouldn't be able to make it. It was all replaced with these "other" people at my daughter birth that didn't know "our" promise! They didn't understand and they would not listen to my pleas. 

"Dr. Promises... PROMISED ME!" and all they could say to me is... I'm sorry. 

-Sometime that afternoon, many hours after Lucy's arrival and death. 

Dr. Promises walks through the door. He looks at me with such sadness in his eyes. We connect not only as Dr. to Patient but in that moment, as human beings. I'm so angry and tears burst from my eyes like I am a cartoon character; flying out the side of my face. 

He offered me a hand, and I begin to yell at him. "You promised me you would be here... you promised me." I shook his hand and would not let go. He sat next to me allowing me to be angry with him. He sat with me and said nothing, enduring all my pains and verbal attacks at him. He allowed me to be mad at him and in that moment made me feel that my anger with him was valid. He was mourning too, but in his "doctorly" way. For I am sure that he has seen this before. 

Before he left, he met our Lucy. He maybe said 2 sentences, he held me, he held my Lucy, and he walked out of that room. I have never spoken to or seen him again. But one thing will always stick with me... His promise. 


  1. I currently lost a baby in January so I can relate to how you are feeling. I currently read your article in the star and I totally agree that nobody wants to talk about it but its the only thing that has helped me through! The stories of others and sharing my own are very therapeutic. Thanks for sharing your story!

    1. Jenny,

      First off, I am so very sorry for your loss. I know you hear it a lot these days and it has become a part of your story. But, remember that it doesn't have to be your only story. Your loss is so new and I know its hard when no one wants to talk about you baby when all you want to do is keep them alive through you.

      Second, thank you so much for coming to visit my blog. I am pretty raw about my loss, and I really feel like I speak to keep my sweet girl alive, because after all, who will?

      If you need someone, know that I am here.. :)