I know... big surprise. A morning hasn't gone by in a week that I haven't.
It's a ritual. A way to face the day.
This morning was different, I waited until my husband left for work for the first time since we lost our Lucy. But, I found my self texting my pain to him because, even though he had to leave, I still needed him.
Like one cruel injustice after another, each day brings a new challenge or milestone.
Today, Lucy is 1 week old. Her little soul has already been a busy little spirit. All around me, my world is shifting in ways I would have never understood, until her. There is new life sprouting all around me in different shapes and forms. Some feed my soul with love and light and some things anger me to the core.
I've been filling my days thinking of what's next for me, and how I can properly honor the soul of my littlest girl here on earth. My passion is that my little miracle is not ever forgotten. How can I do it in a way that would heal my soul, and bring happiness to others? This is what I feel being "Lucy" is about.
Today, I cried... with no surprise. Wanting my little angel to return me, so I can physically nurture her for just a little longer. In my head, as the tears take their toll, I envision holding her and standing at the top of the stairs as her Daddy enters the house. Seeing the love in her eyes as she squirms in my arms, I realize her love for her father, is the same as mine.
I deserved to see that! Jeremy deserved to experience that! That is what I wanted from my life, and for his.
BUT... in these moments where I had already developed my child's life plan, a full life, with stories cascading through my mind as if they'd already happened. Each one, so full of joy and love. Realizing these dreams will never come true, is a slap in the face. But, understanding I can keep them alive within me is such a gift.
Learning Lucy's lessons is a privilege, sharing them with the world is my honor.
I've been homesick for you since we met Lucy, but always your home is in my heart.
Tomorrow...I will cry.