New set of challenges are brought forward on this Tuesday. For today was the day...
I looked into the tiny white box with her name misspelled, to see what was there of my littlest Lucy. See, today her Urns' came in. The more appropriate resting spot for my little girls ashes. The tiniest little silver heart urn, with her name spelled as intended. As I opened the plastic white box with the huge sticker saying "TEMPORARY CONTAINER" our hearts' dropped down into our throats. There was maybe a half dollar worth of the purest white ash and bone. I looked at Jeremy and his lips made that familiar purse I had grown familiar to see. The one that comes just before the eyes began to tear. We were almost expecting to be more of her.
She is so big in our minds, and our hearts, that this seemed like we were missing part of her. But there all of her was; her kind heart, her beautiful nose, and her perfect lips. Right there in a plastic bag...of ash.
Each of us had ordered (and my parents so kindly purchased) urn necklaces, to carry Lucy around our necks. If this is the best way to be close to her, it seemed right. Each child had their pick, and Jeremy and I picked the same urn. These tiny little silver pieces, memorializing this life that only gave us a short moment to know her. I tenderly filled each urn, as careful as I could. Following the directions specifically, as if I was being tested. Using a toothpick to make sure each bit was not wasted and place in its intended spot. This feels so weird. It's not a task that feels good. There is nothing that feels good about poking your daughters ashes through a little silver hole.
All finished up, and she's where she's intended to be. In a tiny heart box...silver. With her name spelled just right. She only gets one date here on earth, even though she deserved thousands. She's amongst all the beautiful things that memorialize her, in the only way I know how.
I rest my head on my hands while placing my arms on top of the dresser where we have memorialized Lucy. Tears gently fall from my eyes, as I stare at that silver heart. My baby is in there, close to us...in ashes.
... that we memorialized you again. We put you sweetly into a tiny silver box, where you can rest sweet girl. I refuse to believe that this is where you remain, because I feel you with me throughout the day. Please stay. I'm waiting on an angel.
Love, Your Mommy.