Saturday, July 20, 2013

You just got to see me through to another day - James Taylor

grieve  (grv)
v. grieved, griev·ing, grieves
1. To cause to be sorrowful; distress
2. To mourn or sorrow for
To Grieve ...Grieving;
It's so big. It's bigger than me. It's bigger than you. There is no one way to be a "Griever", and the loss of Lucy has really given me time to reflect and not only see my grieving, but others around me.
I have a large family, extended to the max. There is blood, kin, by marriage, and everything in between. I have a weird dynamic of personalities and situations all around me. Some of my closest counterparts, I share no blood with, but what blood we don't share, we share in love. There are some of my family whom I share blood, who may not be close to me at all. Then there is my "friend family", who is made up of people who I have chosen to be my family, and I, theirs.
As a sociologist by schooling, its deeply interesting to me, within my own family dynamic, how each of us have dealt with the loss of Lucy. There is no wrong way, and there is no right way. There only is...
My own grief changes through out the day. I can be laughing at something that my children have said, and turn it into tears. I can lay quietly asleep, and wake up crying out. I can sometimes get off the couch long enough to organize a corner of the house, or make my family breakfast. I have show downs with the shower and whether I have the strength to make it in there for a moment of clarity and alone time.
I very much desire a "team" of people around me the majority of the time, but returning a message or phone call feels like a daunting task. I want to talk about it on my own terms, I want to control the way people react around me, although I know that is unfair. I want to hear from others and some I can't muster up the strength to answer. There are safe people, and then there are emotional sucks. There are some people who act like nothing has happened at all, or pretend like they don't care.
I lost my child, I gave birth to baby girl who was ALIVE, and she died. She had Grandparents, Siblings, Uncles, and Aunts... She had a huge family...some which she will have never met. They are all mourning in their own right. But some of this angers me. A whole "team" of people to love her and yet, she's only been in the presence of a small few. How unfair is THAT?
Yesterday, I was reading stories of other grieving mothers of children who left the world similarly and their grief is similar. YET, so different from mine. The things that anger me are different, the things I question are not the things you might wonder. Going down a road of what ifs, should haves and why didn't they is a dangerous place.
What if my body could have given her 7 more days? I would have been in a better equipped hospital to handle an infant of her age... 
But that isn't the story!
The doctors should have told me how bad my bleed was, and I could have made a different decision for my body and Lucy...
But that wasn't the story!
They should have tried to intubate her anyhow to see if she could have lived...
What ifs, Whys, and Should Haves... take me to a place I don't want or need to be. This fuels me to a place that isn't healthy for myself or the people around me.
Instead, the story is...
Lucy was born on July 15th a strong and beautiful little girl, who tried very hard to stay alive on her own, but was losing the battle. Instead of living a life of tubes and machines, all she knew was the love of her mother and father as we held her close to our chest, shushing her, rocking her, and letting her know that it was ok. We reassured her that we loved her from the very beginning, start, conception, and especially the minute that we met her. 
Instead of a story of disdain or anger, Lucy's is one of love.
Where I got to hold her intimately instead of through some machine; hooked up on god knows what, and I would never get to hold her. Of course, sure... this MAY have saved her life. But what would her life amounted to? What if she wouldn't have survived, which was likely. Then she, and her family would have had to go through a new set of pain, which wouldn't have been so beautiful as the moment she was born and they put her straight on my chest.
I can't go there.. I can't do that! Sure, I am angry...I'm plenty angry. The story just begun 5 days ago, and it changes each day. The strength to write the story I get from Lucy's love; All hour and sixteen minutes of it.
Lucy's Legacy:
So today, when you seem angry at someone in your life, and start asking questions that may not be fair...
 Remember, they have a story too, and maybe your story and their story doesn't have the same plot or conflict. Be passionate towards them.
"We are all in this together really" -Emily Marrin
and the story should always be love.
"I always thought that I'd see you again.." -JT

1 comment:

  1. I am glad you are able to understand that everyone is dealing with this in their own way - and those who were not in the physical presence of Lucy still knew the love that was and is Lucy and that is what is manifest between you and Jeremy and evident for all who know you. I continue to pray for your growing understanding and peace.